I really want to eat today. Jamie is coming here tomorrow and I don’t
want to feel weak around him, but today, something inside me is telling
me I shouldn’t. That part of me is the louder, stronger person today.
I was talking to him last night, because I’ve been struggling all weekend, and I just couldn’t bear to pretend that I’m okay with him telling me how much better I look anymore. He was telling me that seeing me before I went into the Priory was scary, the way my spine showed when I turned around, my protruding hips. We hadn’t seen each other for a while until the week we spent together before I went into hospital, he said seeing me made him feel guilty about not being there before because up until seeing he hadn’t realised how bad I really was. I looked gaunt. He says that the weight gain has taken the ‘edge’ off. He said I’m still slim, just not thin. As if that was a good thing. I just fucked snapped
“I don’t WANT to look healthy, I don’t want to be fucking slim, I don’t want to look normal, or average, or better. I want to be skinny and abnormal and I don’t know why”.
He got really scared. He doesn’t know how to handle me when I go into self-destructive mode, and I feel bad that I am constantly worrying him because I don’t know how to look after myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should just break up with him because I can’t bear to consume his life like this, but I love him so much I can’t imagine my life without him. We openly talk about the fact that one day we’re going to marry and have children, and it doesn’t even feel silly or hasty, being with him feels right, when he’s not here I genuinely feel like something is missing, which is odd for me because I’ve always been somewhat isolated.
Its 5pm, I’ve had 1 diet coke, 1 cup of ginger tea and 5 cigarettes. I
know I need to eat, I actually want to because I don’t feel well but I
Haha, I love this photo. I was playing with his hair and making him look like a pageboy…he didn’t appreciate it but he smiled and posed because it was making me laugh so much.
Canada, last Summer. I was 100lbs and surviving on black coffee, cigarettes and vegetable broth. You wouldn’t know it though.
Whats in my hands? 0 cal Iced Tea, of course.
I ate dinner, then I tried not to cry. But this is a good thing, one more meal is one step further in conquering this disease. I had pasta, then mint choc chip ice cream, because if i don’t eat ice cream straight after my meals I find it difficult to hold food down. From one fucked up eating habit to another.