Wow, its been so long since I updated! I’m sorry if I worried anyone, I hope you’re all okay and staying strong.
Being up in London is so much better for me, granted I still haven’t got my old social life back but its nice to not feel constantly isolated, which just added to my anxiety. I’ve got a job working in a pub in Sussex on the weekends, the owner just happens to be an ex-anorexic herself, which is funny seeing as we are the two that serve food to people! My sense of self-worth seems to have increased with having a job, I don’t feel that my life consists of absolutely nothing anymore, which is a refreshing change to that general feeling of uselessness I’ve had for a long time. Having said that, I’m a truly crap bartender and waitress and the old locals seem to take great pleasure in watching me screw up, last night 3 drunk men actually applauded me when I didn’t fuck up the cash register…always nice to have good work acknowledged I guess!
Food had been going okay up until around this week. I don’t know what came over me but in a rush of sudden madness I threw out all the carbs in my kitchen and stocked it with fat free yogurt, apples, grapes and soup. I’ve been restricting all week (between 200 and 1000) and dropped 3 and a half pounds, but I don’t feel any better for it, in fact, I feel shit. Its 5pm and so far I’ve consumed 250 calories but I’m going to try really hard to gradually increase it, theres no logical reason (not that there ever really was) for me to deprive myself right now, in fact I need the extra calories to keep my energy up seeing as I’m alot more active these days.
I don’t know whats going on with my boyfriend, Jamie, though. A few weeks ago we decided finally that we will find a place to live together, but about an hour ago we had the biggest argument of our whole relationship. For a 29 year old man, he is incredibly fucking unreliable and quite frankly I am sick to death of him constantly letting me down, from an outside perspective I can see that its getting ridiculous, but its difficult, because, well, I am deeply in love with him and can’t picture myself being whole without him. He just doesn’t make things easy.
Enough of the essay, I have to decide whether or not to go up to London tonight, my friend is going away to Brazil tomorrow so I’m supposed to be going out with her and her boyfriend, but I have to be back in Sussex in the morning and Jamie just cancelled on me…again (hence the basis of the argument) and I’m feeling incredibly anxious and don’t know if I can handle being in a really crowded club and then taking public transport back on my own. Does that make me an incredibly shit friend? I just have this horrible feeling that I’d have a major panic attack if I was to go.
But if I don’t go, it makes me as unreliable as bloody Jamie!
I hope everyone is doing well x