Monthly Archives: December 2008

4:30pm. No laxatives today. No food either. I’m going to try though. The ‘good’ side of me will win today.

This song makes me so happy. It reminds me of endless nights in Bristol, licking mdma off my lips and lying with my friends at 6am in a haze of smoke. Curtains closed, refusing to accept the night is over just yet.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_b_K16E524

Edit: Intake –

Edamame and butterbean salad
Hummus, lettuce, tomato toasted sandwich
Apple
A few galaxy minstrels

Oh God, I feel so awful about the chocolate and bread. Realistically my intake barely probably reached 1000 calories but I’d feel so much better about that if it was entirely made up of fruit and veg. I am taking the train to London tomorrow morning so I CAN’T take laxatives. Its so hard.

Some photos from Christmas

My dearest mum and me hiding my morning-face

I’m far too excited about guitar hero…haha

the Mclennan sisters all looking particularly rough

Me and Doodle, my favourite member of the family!

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So I failed. Yet again. I was not at all comfortable with my intake yesterday so indulged in an excessive number of laxatives. It was a particularly painful morning. I stayed in bed until 4 in the afternoon, I have not seen or spoken to the majority of my family today. They all went out for dinner; I declined the invitation, sat on the sofa watching an old 90’s Jennifer Anniston movie and eating a salad. When I am at university, with my friends, my confidence is high, I’m outspoken and funny. But being around my siblings just drains me. I quite literally have nothing to say, I just want to be alone, with my head in a book. Its sad, really.

And I forgot to mention, my mum found my laxatives last night. Well, she found one pack and chose to believe me when I said they were old, although the entire pack had been consumed and only one remained. So I of course told her she could throw it away, knowing full well I had my own secret supply anyway. The story of my life.

Being at home depresses me. The fact that it depresses me, depresses me even more. Will I ever be content? Will I ever just be?

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I hope everyone had a good Christmas! I had a fairly good one actually, much better than last year, although I only managed to eat some broccoli and a bite of turkey. I stupidly took laxatives the night before so I spent half the day on the toilet, but I didn’t take any yesterday and I am NOT going to take any today, its a promise to myself. I am exhausted, constantly. Sometimes I will wake up at 12 in the afternoon, and have to take a nap later in the day, and still be sleepy when I go to bed at night. I think its dehydration. Sometimes I lie in bed with chest pains and think to myself ‘i hope I don’t have a heart attack tonight’. And that is why the laxatives have to stop. I can’t go on like this.

I was having a good day yesterday, until my ex-boyfriend decided to email me telling me that he saw my recent photos – see below posts – and apparently look like I’ve gained weight in my shoulders and face. He said I ‘looked like one of those fucking wobble head dolls’. I was a fucking wreck, what a nice end to an enjoyable Christmas day. He took it back eventually and said he was just trying to hurt me, but honestly, do my face and shoulders look fat? I just don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t understand why he is trying to destroy me, its not my fault that my feelings changed and I didn’t want to be with him anymore. For Christs sake he’s a 30 year old man, I thought he’d be a little bit more mature than to call his 19 year old recovering anorexic ex girlfriend fat.

So the comment has affected me, its 4pm and I’ve so far consumed a diet coke and a cigarette, but I am going to attempt to eat lunch now. I truly hope you all are enjoying the holidays, each and every one of you deserve it.

Edit: Went into the kitchen. Nervously looked at my options for lunch. Couldn’t bring myself to do it. Sometimes I can’t even muster the thought of putting food in my mouth.

I read these girl’s xangas who say they binged, and then go on to say their overall intake was 1000 calories. It makes me sad. 1000 calories isn’t even enough to survive on! I used to be like that, but then I actually starting binging. We are talking between 5,000 and 10,000 calories here. Why do I do it to myself? It never makes me feel better. Everything is always so black and white with me. One minute I want to fill myself up right to the brim, then as soon as thats over I need to be empty again. I just want a healthy balance, and I will always be fighting this black-and-white way of thinking. For lack of a better word, it sucks.

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Last night I gave in. I took 12 laxatives, 6 at the beginning of the day and 6 at the end. I know this is probably TMI but I ate a hake fillet in a seeded breadcrumb for dinner and I could see seeds in my bowel movement about 5 hours later, which was weird. Also, my bowel movement seemed greasy. Oh god, I’m so disgusting.

Today I’ve eaten just under 1000 calories. It feels like a lot at the moment. I know I should be eating more but when I go over 1000 I get this indescribable compulsion to punish myself with the laxatives, because I’m not stupid enough to think that I’m going to experience any real weight loss, I just like feeling empty, and the pain compensates for the over-indulgence.

I want to tell my mum and get some help but she is so stressed at the moment, my little sister is very ill, she is on a strong dose of steroids for what they suspect is juvenile arthritis. My mum is having to take her into hospital every day for blood tests (including xmas eve and boxing day), the last thing she needs right now is my self-induced little problems. I need to do this on my own. I am a ‘grown up’ now, aren’t i?

The first is me on Halloween, the one on the left. I look obese. The second is last thursday, I see a minor weight loss, I really don’t want to gain. I just don’t want to gain.
 

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Days laxative-free = 2 and a half
Level of discomfort = EXTREME

Thursday night.  I think my eyes show it all!

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I aplogise for the slightly melodramatic tone of my last entry – I was high and listening to depressing music so i of course got a bit carried away! But yeah…I’m not doing too well. I’ve been trying to eat a normal amount but the guilt keeps consuming me and I’m too much of a coward to deal with the feelings so I take laxatives to cover them up I guess. Today I consumed –
Breakfast: 2 slices of toast with light olive spread (250)
Lunch: Garden salad (200) a packet of chewy fruit pieces (71)
Dinner: Homemade vegetable thai green curry with rice (650ish?) 3 satsumas (60)
Lemon vitamin water (95)

Urgh. I know to a ‘normal’ eater this isn’t bad but I felt awful about it so I took 5 laxatives. I hate this, I managed one day without them. They are so…inconvienent! I have to go hand in my assignment tomorrow and I’m scared they are suddenly going to kick in on my 15 minute journey there. I need to sort this shit out.

Eating disorder aside, things are going well. I’ve made some really good friends since I’ve been here. Mainly guys actually, maybe because they don’t talk about calories and weight so its easier for me to focus on recovery. I have made one good female friend called Sally, who just so happens to be a recovering bulimic. We haven’t spoken about it much but  Ican see that she is as funny around food as I am…which is kind of difficult sometimes because I find myself comparing myself to her. But all in all, things are going pretty well. I hope all you girls are doing okay! I’ll add a few photos since its been so long…

I’m the one with brown hair in all of them…if i’ve lost 10 pounds why do i still look so bloody huge?!

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It has been a long time.

I’m at university now. Stoned. Hungover. Bored.

I’ll be honest – I’m not doing well. I feel as if I’m happy. I have made friends, partied, had fun.

But I’ve lost 10 pounds in three months and I hate myself more than ever. I have been binging and abusing laxatives for weeks. I have a secret draw full to the brim of my shameful junk food wrappers. A hidden stack of pizza boxes. And a whole new drawer for my laxatives…my form of ever so important self-punishment. Some days I hate food. Some days it is my entire world. My only escape these days is copious amounts of drugs. They stave off hunger. I’d rather continue starving that carrying on with this binge and purge hell. I don’t know what to do.

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I have a shadow, chained to my ankles,

Soulless and see-through,

Raw, jagged edges.

Hangs over my shoulder

Sour breath dances up my spine,

Beneath my skin.

 

Pointing and laughing,

Whispering excuses,

Twisting my fingers.

 

I stand like a mannequin –

I do it so well.

Soft spoken and pretty,

Exhale, so quietly

Through the hand over my mouth.

 

The shadow,

My friend and my decline

And me – a prisoner at my own will

Hunger strikes

I have nothing to hunger anymore.

 

It is beautiful

Glides gently beneath my feet

And with my head in the clouds

I slip through each day without thought.

And ever so softly,

Ever so sweetly

It takes me someplace new.

 

This place is dark.

 

I know no longer where I am

I know no longer who I am

I glide gently,

I disappear.

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