Monthly Archives: December 2007

OH MY GOD I had the most traumatic morning!

I was fast asleep in my room, not a care in the world, when I suddenly woke up to a loud buzzing sound. Painfully loud. I actually thought I was going crazy, the buzzing wouldn’t go away. I sat up and shook my head but I could still hear it, I felt through my hair and realised there was a fucking WASP stuck in it (another reason why I should brush my hair more than once a week). After I got it out in a fit of paranoia I took all my clothes off so that pesky little wasp couldn’t come near me again, snuggled up tight in my duvet and went back to sleep.

2 hours later I woke up in absolute agony. Given that it had no access to the rest of my body, that bastard wasp stung me in the face! Right on the lip, my upper lip is now twice the size of my lower one, I look like a freak!

 

Anyway, tragedies aside, I’m thinking of joining my friend Lauren and Sophie in travelling to South America in Feburary. My grandma gave me two and a half grand for Christmas and I desperately want to spend it on something productive. My only concern is that although they are pretty infrequent these days, I do still have the odd panic attack and I’m definitely still in the early stages of recovery, as far as the eating disorder is concerned.

I just feel I need to open my eyes to the world, escape from all the bad memories I have here for a while. My friends know about the anorexia and I’m sure they’d make sure I was keeping myself healthy. The only issue is Jamie – I’d be gone for five months. But to be honest I’m beginning to wonder if our relationship is as great as I thought. Even though he’s here for me when I’m upset, he is also CONSTANTLY letting me down. So many times I find myself desperately trying to get hold of him, waiting for him to show up, crying for hours only to discover that he ‘can’t make it tonight’…yet again. The prospect of being without him is absolutely terrifying, but the painful truth is that my life began to slowly crumble around me as soon as I met him.

I don’t know if I’m ready to break free and be independant though, part of me still strives to be a little girl.

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 Thank you all so much for your support. I didn’t mean to worry anyone, I’m not restricting hardcore at all, just keeping it at around 1200 instead of 2000!

104 lbs this morning.

I was just lying on my bed, drinking a coffee and having a cigarette, and listening to a song which reminded me of the worst night of my life in the summer. The night I realised how bad my ED had gotten.

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That night. (I’m the one in blue).

I think I was 100 lbs. Me and Sophie went to Wimbledon with a couple of other people. I had justified eating an apple to myself that day because I knew I was going to get trashed. I drank a bottle of gin (which, as all you ex-restricters know, will make you blindingly drunk for the rest of the night on an empty stomach). I was mad at Jamie because he was supposed to be meeting me, but had turned his phone off all day. We carried on drinking and snorted coke wherever it was possible. We went back to Sophie’s house – me, Sophie, Aaron and Jake (the guy in the background) – where we continued to drink obscure alcohol mixed with apple juice, smoke weed and snort white powders. I think at one point I smoked a coke spliff. God, I’m classy.

Somehow I ended up having sex with Jake. It was uncomfortable, nauseating, and I was so glad when it was over. By this point it was 6 in the morning. I was lying in bed, not touching him, wishing I was somewhere else. I got up quietly, didn’t knock on Sophie’s bedroom door to say goodbye, and stumbled home. Still completely out of my face, my nose was blocked from all the coke I had consumed and I couldn’t see straight. I got home and tried to sleep. I of course couldn’t because I was still incredibly high. I felt so weak I walked downstairs and ate half a box of bean salad. Yes, bean salad. Probably around 100 calories because I didn’t even finish it.

And then all of a sudden, it hit me.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh shit. What did I just fucking do?

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep after those calories. So I put on some trainers and went to the gym. It was half seven in the morning. I was on the treadmill for an hour and then got onto the exercise bike, and cycled until I thought I was literally going to die.

It was that moment that I realised I was completely consumed.

I don’t ever want to find myself in that place again.

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My weight seems to have stabilized at 106 lbs.

I hate this. I want to maintain 102…I can deal with 102.

So I’m going to lose four pounds and then I’ll be done.

I promise.

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Ok, so I’ve weighed myself about 8 times today, but aside from the craziness, I’ve done okay.

We went out to our local pub for Christmas lunch, I didn’t really feel comfortable eating with all my sisters and stuff there so I had half a bread roll and a handful of green beans, but I ate lots of chocolate, a sandwich for dinner and a few apple cinnamon scones in the morning so I feel like a bloody pig! But thats allowed on Christmas, right?

I got loads of nice clothes too, I was freaking out last night they would all be too small for me but they fit ok. My mum bought me a few size 10 things which promptly upset me because I am a size 6/8, but she said that she thought I preferred my clothes to be baggy, and I can’t deny that she’s right about that.

I feel…I don’t know. Not Christmassy. I find it difficult because I feel so disconnected from my other 3 sisters. Me and my mum are close, but I’ve barely spoken a word to my sisters all day. They’re all so loud and hyper, and it saddens me because I used to be like that too. Its like I’ve lost my spark, I don’t have the energy to be fun anymore.

I guess I just have the holiday blues. In fact, I have the everyday blues. I’ve never been a particularly emotional person but I just keep breaking down in tears, almost every single fucking day. I guess its called depression, but I call it cabin fever. Usually on Christmas I’d go over to Lauren’s in the evening, we’d all get drunk with her older brother and his friends and play poker (last year I won, even know I had no idea what the fuck I was doing and completely fluked it…much to the boy’s displeasure!) but tonight I feel…lonely. I can hear my sisters laughing and joking and I’m just sat in this room with nothing to say.

I hope you all had a happy, carefree christmas x x x

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I actually bought good presents this year, I am so proud of myself! Christmas day is usually spent around the tree, me cringing behind my hands as my sister opens up the half-price last minute purchase I got her because I spent the rest of my money on being festively completely-fucking-trashed. But seeing as I’ve spent the whole Winter locked up in this house, I managed to save around 600 quid and spent it all on good presents, with Jamie’s help. We walked around Covent Garden at 8pm, with the Christmas lights and buskers singing Christmas carols and stalls selling roasted chestnuts, it was so nice. Then we went out for Chinese food, which I haven’t had in a very long time, and I had seasame prawn toast and noodles. I couldn’t finish it but it was so yummy I actually got the leftovers in a doggie bag, I couldn’t bear to see delicious food go to waste, which is new to me!

I especially wanted to buy my mum a good present, because she has dealt with all the crap I’ve put her through this year amazingly well. I got her a dressing gown from Cath Kidston for about ?0 and I’m going to make her a collage tonight, because I can’t sleep.

Jamie went home today, I won’t see him until after Christmas now. A few days ago, we were exhausted having been in up since seven in the morning having gone to sleep at five, and we were having an afternoon nap, all snuggled up in my bed. We were both half asleep, he was holding me in his arms, my legs all curled up over him, and he cuddled up closer to me and said something that made me so happy

‘Lets get married some day’.

God, I was grinning. Thankfully I managed to semi-keep my cool as the light wasn’t on. But I think the kisses I showered him with were a slight giveaway, perhaps.

2008 is going to be a better year for me. I think when I look back on 2007, I will see it as a kind of climax, my mental health having deteriorated up until then. I broke up with Dave, met Jamie, started cutting myself again, developed anorexia, took an overdose in April and was admitted into the Priory under suicide watch, got out, starved myself even more, got admitted into another Priory in October for my eating disorder, got out and here I fucking am.

New Years Resolution? Try and stay out of rehab, maybe?!

At a Christmas party this time last year, when I used to be somewhat fun and loved partying. If only I had known the year I had ahead of me, that would have definitely wiped that smug look off my face.

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In some ways I feel glad that I’ve been put through so much shit, because I am not so much of an obnoxious little bitch as I used to be. I’m not perfect, but definitely not as stupid.

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Sorry I haven’t replied, I appear to have sunk into a deep depression since Friday. Jamie thinks it might be because I’ve just started taking the contraceptive pill again, but honestly I just think its cabin fever, which is comforting because I’m moving back to London in Janurary…I’m so excited!

Food has been going ok. Today’s intake:

Breakfast: raspberry yogurt with muesli

Lunch: hummus, lettuce and tomato on an olive bread roll

          2 pieces of pineapple and an advent chocolate

Me and Jamie are going to a fancy hotel in Knightsbridge (posh part of London) on Thursday. I’m so excited! No scales for 3 days…I’m hoping it will only do me good. We’re going to just stay in bed all day then go late night Christmas shopping and out for dinner, then return to the hotel and just laugh and cuddle and drink tea all night, basically what we always do when we’re together, just in a much prettier setting.

Any idea on what to get a 28 year old man who has pretty much everything he wants? My boyfriend has gone out to buy my present today and all I’ve bought him so far is a crappy book for ?, he’s so fussy and pretty much has everything, but its our first Christmas together and I want to get him something special!

Its our anniversary next month too…to be honest I can’t believe we’ve only been together for a year because its difficult to remember my life without him. I’m so lucky to be with someone that I know is right for me and I truly appreciate it.

Look at me, I’m smiling for the first time in three days!

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God, this photo makes me laugh. It was in Canada, due to the eating disorder I was a fucking BITCH to my family for three weeks. We had gone to take a photo for my grandma’s birthday present, but I was in a foul mood because my mum had just tried to make me eat a bowl of pasta. Not difficult to tell which one is me!

 

Ha, fucking silly anorexic brat. Food T-A-S-T-E-S G-O-O-D

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I did 23 hours then my mum sat me down and made me eat.

Intake:

Bagel (250)

Fat free yogurt (75)

Satsuma (20)

I officially have no friends. I decided to send a few of them messages on facebook a few days ago and received no replies. Even my boyfriend, who is supposed to be there for me no matter what, decided he was “too ill” to come today, even after my nervous fucking breakdown over how lonely I was yesterday.

I feel trapped and like I just want to lie down and sleep and wake up when life gets interesting. I don’t know when thats going to happen.

I’m sick of being miserable and self-pitying but I can’t muster up any other emotion right now, its too exhausting.

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