OH MY GOD I had the most traumatic morning!
I was fast asleep in my room, not a care in the world, when I suddenly woke up to a loud buzzing sound. Painfully loud. I actually thought I was going crazy, the buzzing wouldn’t go away. I sat up and shook my head but I could still hear it, I felt through my hair and realised there was a fucking WASP stuck in it (another reason why I should brush my hair more than once a week). After I got it out in a fit of paranoia I took all my clothes off so that pesky little wasp couldn’t come near me again, snuggled up tight in my duvet and went back to sleep.
2 hours later I woke up in absolute agony. Given that it had no access to the rest of my body, that bastard wasp stung me in the face! Right on the lip, my upper lip is now twice the size of my lower one, I look like a freak!
Anyway, tragedies aside, I’m thinking of joining my friend Lauren and Sophie in travelling to South America in Feburary. My grandma gave me two and a half grand for Christmas and I desperately want to spend it on something productive. My only concern is that although they are pretty infrequent these days, I do still have the odd panic attack and I’m definitely still in the early stages of recovery, as far as the eating disorder is concerned.
I just feel I need to open my eyes to the world, escape from all the bad memories I have here for a while. My friends know about the anorexia and I’m sure they’d make sure I was keeping myself healthy. The only issue is Jamie – I’d be gone for five months. But to be honest I’m beginning to wonder if our relationship is as great as I thought. Even though he’s here for me when I’m upset, he is also CONSTANTLY letting me down. So many times I find myself desperately trying to get hold of him, waiting for him to show up, crying for hours only to discover that he ‘can’t make it tonight’…yet again. The prospect of being without him is absolutely terrifying, but the painful truth is that my life began to slowly crumble around me as soon as I met him.
I don’t know if I’m ready to break free and be independant though, part of me still strives to be a little girl.