Wow. It has been a really long time. So much has changed, I don’t even know where to begin! I’m sure no-one will read this but I feel I owe the journal an update.
In June 2009, I met my amazing boyfriend Dom. I thought he was THE best looking person I had ever seen and it was all very whirlwind and easy, we were basically living together by July. My ED habits were still very prevelant and I was still stuck in a cycle of restricting and having a weekly binge session until I unexpectedly fell pregnant in October. I was so not prepared for this that I didn’t even realise until December!
At first I cried for days and thought I had no option other than one, but slowly we both came round to the idea of taking the harder path. I had an inheritance come through around the same time so we could still afford for Dom to study without being stressed about money, so we went for it and on July 6th 2010 my beautiful Ivy Phelan was born, who is now 18 months:
It was so weird. As soon as I realised that I was pregnant, nourishing myself suddenly seemed easier. It was like I finally had an excuse to eat, an excuse that would win over all my awful ED feelings. I may still not have believed that i deserved to eat but my daughter sure as hell deserved it! I hadn’t experienced being able to enjoy foodlike a normal person in years. I loved being pregnant. Even after she was born, my attitude towards food seemed to naturally relax.
We live in a gorgeous little 2 bed victorian house overlooking a park in Bristol. Our bedroom has its own balcony! It all feels very idyllic. I am also starting an online degree in Psychology in a few weeks, as getting knocked up kind of got in the way of my previous degree! I don’t think I ever would have completed it, pregnant or not. I was severely messed up until this miracle happened. Constantly drunk, high and starving.
The reason I have been drawn back to here is sadly these feelings seem to be creeping back, and I need to sort this out before it gets bad again. Although I am a size 8-10 and I should be happy with that, I feel uncomfortable at this weight and just want to lose a few pounds. But I can already feel myself obsessing over food, and I don’t seem to be able to diet sensibly. Today I ate spaghetti bolognese and I feel so guilty I want to cry because I have only been eating 1000 calories a day since I started my diet.
I CANNOT let myself fall back into this cycle. Being anorexic and a mum is just as bad as being a drug addict and a mum. It is consuming, it makes me irrational and angry, it isolates me from others and I am risking killing myself if I give into my weaknesses. I cannot taint Ivy’s childhood with an eating disorder! I would never forgive myself if she developed one too. The thought makes me physically hurt. I suppose I am just looking for a little support as it appears that all my ED-related thoughts haven’t just suddenly vanished like I’d naively hoped. I don’t feel like I can talk to my mum about this either as she would just totally freak out. She never stops worrying that i have relapsed.
I am a good mum to Ivy and I need to stay that way. This is all for her.