Monthly Archives: March 2009

I’m sorry I’ve been so terrible at offering you all support, I’m just so exhausted at the moment. I promise I will reply soon.

Intake today: a banana.

I had an amazing night on Friday, aided by copious amounts of mdma, ket, vodka and red stripes. I had only eaten a small bag of pretzels that day and got personally told to go home by the d.j at 8 in the morning. Couldn’t eat on Saturday thanks to a horrific comedown and by Sunday I could barely get out of bed, which is scary when I’m not living at home and can’t beg my mum to bring me up an apple. I almost fainted when I finally stood up, it was horrible.

    
(I’m the rather joyful looking one in the middle, its amazing what drugs can do)

I’ve become weary I guess. It just feels like before recovery I was promised this amazing life as soon as I started eating again, this promise was never fulfilled. I was even more miserable, because on top of my depression I had to deal with food 3 times a day and my growing insecurities with my growing size. I know that means I never fully recovered, but I just don’t think I’m ready yet. How the fuck else do I cope?

A couple of vain shots. God I have so much weight to re-lose.

 

Shopping list this week, I have a sweet tooth lately which is odd for me:

4 green apples
3 oranges
A pack of bananas
2 tropical fruit salads
Romaine lettuce
3 raspberry fat free yogurts
Seasame rice cakes
Minestrone cup a soup
Lentil cup a soup
3 tins of weight watchers tuna in a tomato and herb dressing (absolutely DELICIOUS, may i add!)

Thats to last me 10 days. Pathetic, huh?

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I dyed my hair blonde again!

I’m actually plased with it, its nice to momentarily like my appearance for a change.

I’m not doing great though, each day has either consisted of instant soup and rice cakes or binging and laxatives. On Friday night I got very drunk at a house party and ended up puking because my stomach had been empty for 3 days prior. My friend Joe had to hold my hair for me and when I was better he told me he was worried about me, that I was too thin, he knew I didn’t eat and since then has begged me to go to the doctor every time we have been in a room alone together. Bear in mind from the outside this guy is your typical male university student who likes to get wasted and breaks ALOT of girls hearts – it was really sweet of him but I just feel so guilty when I burden people with my problems.

I did my online food shop for this week, its probably not the most sensible list –

5 green apples
5 oranges
Bananas
A bag of red grapes
Cucumber
2 bags of lettuce
2 packs of tomatoes
Fat free salad dressing
Vegetable curry (without rice)
Fat free fruit yogurts
Vegetable soup
3 tins of tuna in a tomato and herb dressing
Sugarfree cranberry juice

So I guess I will pretty much be going carb-free this week. And fat-free. But I feel this is better than consuming nothing but instant soup, at least I’m getting vitamins, right? Denial is so sweet.

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