I float back to my childhood
When they try to force feed me
I’m clinging on tight
So my mother can’t leave me.
Whilst the world pushes forward
I’m trying to revert,
With my blistering hands
I crawl back to the dirt.
Sunsets and clockwork,
They’re haunting my journey
And in the midst of tornados
I plant my feet firmly.
With bloodstains and desires
I’m not pure and good,
So I escape from the cycle
Like a little girl should.
I’ll wear ribbons in my hair
With my unscarred arms,
And I’ll never stop crawling
Until I’m safe from the harm
Of the evils I’ve known
And the things that I’ve seen
And the fact that I’m empty
When I really shouldn’t be.
Now I’m free from the shackles,
Wide-eyed and dark curls.
And I’ll always be loved,
Like a good little girl.
I’m sorry I haven’t got around to replying; I will. I just feel like all my energy has been sucked out recently, I can’t muster up the right words to say, and if I can’t do things perfectly, I don’t wish to do them at all.
Breakfast: a peach (45 cals)
Lunch: Apple (70 cals)
Dinner: Tomato soup (100 cals)
Fat free yogurt (77 cals)
Ok, its not ideal.
I don’t want to go to the doctor anymore, I’m freaking out. I’ve got an appointment for Friday but I’m beginning to think that I’m not ready to recover just yet. I’m 105 pounds. 105. It makes me feel physically sick. I’m used to living my life knowing that whatever happens; I’m still losing weight.
Everything I do in life contributes to weight loss. I go out with friends to burn calories, every activity I plan for my day is a way to avoid feeling hungry. When I eat normally and try not to obsess, it just reminds me what a mundane, empty life I lead. It reminds me of how spectacularly un-special and dull I truly am. I can cover up the void with hunger and skinniness, otherwise, I really don’t know what to do.
Oh god I miss being double digits. When I’m 98, I’m something.
I’m everything. Yes, I’m a complete mess, but at least I’m not weighed down by carbohydrates, and calories, and disgust and self-hatred.
Today started off well. Its 6pm and I’ve eaten 541 calories and was even considering giving my scales to my mum. Last night I opened up to her and she said she was going to get me help.
So today Richard’s (her boyfriend, who has lived with us for five years) daughters came over, and my mum promised me that all of them, including my sister, were going out this evening so we could have a proper talk together. Next thing I hear from my sister that this isn’t the case at all, and my mum and Richard are going out for a meal and drink together. I was upset by this because I really wanted to just talk to her on my own tonight, and asked her why the plans have changed and if I’m going to have to look after a load of hyper children
Next thing I know I can fucking hear Richard bitching about me to her complaining that I ‘treat this house like its just mine and I’m completely selfish’…why doesn’t he ever SAY THIS TO MY FACE? I heard my mum telling him just to speak to me about it, he’s a grown fucking man but he doesn’t even have the guts to tell me.
I feel sick, unwanted and I don’t want to eat dinner.
Gah my internet has been broken all week – I’ve been STRANDED.
Anyway I guess food isn’t going too well. Last week was a cycle of binging and fasting, so this week I started off with consuming 1,200 calories a day and I’ve somehow managed to get back to around 600. My intake today has been:
Breakfast: an apple (70 cals)
Lunch: 120g fat free strawberry yoghurt with 30g muesli (170 cals)
Dinner: Tomato soup (113 cals)
I’ve got an appointment with my doctor next week, because I’m considering moving to Brighton to be closer to college and in a city, but my mum said she will only allow me to move out under the condition that I seek professional help for my ‘eating disorder’. Yes, she actually said it, after previously just calling it ‘a few issues with food’ she came right out and said I had an eating disorder.
I still haven’t got my period and last night an unusual amount of hair was in my hands after washing it in the shower.
Breakfast: Cereal bar – 90 cals
Lunch – Minestrone soup – 37 cals
I’m finding it really difficult today. I couldn’t bring myself to eat the pasta and vegetables in the soup so I just sipped the watery soup base. My mum was watching over me and I wanted to break down and cry.
I feel hungry but I’m savouring this feeling.
I’m due my period around the next few days. In fact, it was due today. The thing is I haven’t had a proper period since July, and even though I’ve eaten properly for the past 4 or 5 days I don’t know if that is enough to get one this month. But when I was with Jamie we almost had a problem on our hands, if you know what I mean…so if I don’t get it I don’t know why I should be worried:
Pregnant or malnourished?
Dinner – Raspberry yogurt. 75 cals.
Yes, today I am weak. But being physically weak makes me feel emotionally stronger.
Amnesia, in Ibiza. I’m the one with the gross looking hair on the left. Good times, we spent the whole night dropping pills, sitting on that podium and giving each other Chinese burns. I think about 5 minutes after that photo I started dancing in a telephone box on the stage. Harriet, on the right, has the most perfect skinny body ever. Wearing a bikini next to her was torture.
Last night, I had the most unexpectedly amazing night of my life.
I was sitting around in my pajamas watching MTV when Jamie called me and said he’d be at Haywards Heath station in an hour and a half. I freaked out, ran into the shower, couldn’t find my hair straighteners or make up and realised he couldn’t stay at mine because my grandparents are here. So I went to meet him, we found a quaint little boutique inn in a tiny village called Fletching and stayed up until 5 in the morning talking, laughing, smoking weed, kissing and having sex. It was so perfect it was almost unreal, I can’t stop smiling.
The only problem is that I don’t want to eat until he calls me now.
I ended up consuming around 1,300 calories yesterday though, and it is a HUGE step for me to eat that much before going to see a guy and letting him see me naked. I thought that when I saw him I had to look perfect, but I showed up with curly frizzy hair and a plain black t-shirt and jeans, and everything was more than perfect, I am so in love with him it hurts.
He’ll be home in two hours; I’m going to go try and eat a cereal bar because everything is going so well, I just don’t want to ruin it.
Me in my ‘fat’ days. I always wore a scarf because I was ashamed of my lack of collar bone.
He called. He said he loved me. I’ve eaten around 980 calories. I don’t think I’m going to eat anymore today – I was disappointed about eating after fasting for over 24 hours in the end, 980 is good enough, especially since I haven’t done any exercise today which is kind of driving me crazy but after last night I’m bloody exhausted!
Lunch: Cereal bar and a cup of raspberry tea – 90 cals
I’m having a difficult time with food today. I know my little sister is coming back for the night and its making me anxious. I know it is sick but I think I feel in competition with her – I used to always be the skinny one in the family. Then about 2 years ago I suddenly gained a bit of weight and she became VERY skinny. Now I’ve become the ‘skinny’ one again I feel under such pressure to either lose or maintain my weight, and I can’t bear to see her eat less than me. I keep thinking about her eating less and it is making me want to eat less too. I know its wrong but I can’t control it.
I’ve done 80 laps in my pool and my arms feel numb.
Its almost 3pm. I’m going to try and force myself to eat a little bit more because I know that is an unhealthy amount, but I caved in and weighed myself again this morning and was almost disappointed to find that I am still 100lbs.
I’ll update with dinner later. This is difficult.