Oh I’ve been terrible at updating my xanga recently, I’ve been really busy with uni work and getting very drunk!
I would love to say that everything is going well and I’m eating normally but, I’m not. I haven’t had a ‘normal’ day since I got back to university. Its been a constant cycle of restricting, fast and binging/laxatives. This all feels very familiar. Today I’ve eaten a banana, an orange, a cup of soup and some lettuce. 300 calories. I’m hungry and I feel terrible but I literally can’t make myself eat anymore, I’m too scared to feel the guilt after, I’m such a wuss!
Yesterday was my binge day. Literally all I did was eat and sleep. I slept to get rid of the nausea. I took 12 laxatives, but because they weren’t the maximum strength brand that I usually take they DIDN’T WORK. How ridiculous is that? If any regular person took 12 laxatives they would definitely feel the fucking effects but they were completely useless for me. Its scary. I’ve decided I’m going to start taking photos of my binges to try to disgust myself out of doing it again…here is yesterday’s
And thats not including the vegetarian sushi I had later. Ugh. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I actually sadden myself. When I catch myself in the mirror, alone, comforting myself in all this crap knowing I’m going to starve myself and be miserable week to make up for it and do it all over again. I wake up and go to bed thinking about food, its my whole life. I fucking hate food but it consumes and comforts me in every way.
Sorry this post has been kind of jumbled but I’m wired on coffee and exhilirated after finally finishing an essay about Martin Luther and the protestant reformation….oh the joys of being a university student!