Monthly Archives: July 2007

Yesterday  I didn’t eat as much as I’d planned. 2 pickles and an apple. How I wasn’t violently ill later on is completely beyond me. Maybe because my body doesn’t want to bring anything up now.

Georgia’s party was bearable. I spoke to her before I left and she told me there was only beer at her house, and the thought of all those calories horrified me so I brought my own little bottle of vodka and a bottle of tonic water. I basically spent the whole night ignoring the people I should be friends with, seeing as I went to college with them for two years. They ignored me too. I just sat and got drunk with her older brother and cousin, and eventually had to go home because I was so unbelievably cold, despite the fact that I was in 2 jumpers and a blanket inside and everyone else was prancing around the garden in t-shirts.

I was walking through the kitchen shivering when Georgia drunkenly stumbled upto me and said ‘You know why you’re so cold Lucille? Because you’re BONE, there is this little thing called eating, you know.’

Needless to say I was speechless. And on a bus on my way home about 15 minutes later.

I’m down to 100 pounds, as of this morning. I don’t want to get too excited because I fear I’m a jinx, but now I’m too scared to eat at all because I’m so close to double digits.

Today I’ve eaten 1 apple, and for dinner I’m going to eat a bowl of spaghetti hoops just for the sake of eating in front of my mum, 109 calories in a can. If I can bring myself, I’ll go to the gym later.

I’m not a good weight freak though, because I really fucking hate exercise.


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Too Much Time on my Hands?

I’ve mistakenly fasted for about 38 hours now, not on purpose, just because I’m not that hungry. I’m going to eat a bit tonight, because through several trial and errors I’ve finally learnt that drinking on an empty stomach leads to vomiting. I have to go to my old friend Georgia’s house for her birthday, unfortunately I hate all her new friends because they’re pretentious cunts, and I have a feeling they don’t like me either. I’ll just have to grin, bear it and swallow down the vodka.

I think I’ve lost the water weight from Friday night’s binge and I’m back down to 102 pounds. I’ve missed my scales, I’ve felt a lot less anxious since buying new ones.

I spoke to Jamie last night, which just made me miss him more. I also think I’m suffering from chronic boredom. I keep just waiting for Canada to happen, but I have a feeling its just going to get worse, I can’t even get high there and the smoking age is 19.

I’ve decided that I don’t want to have disordered eating, I hate lying and I hate feeling weak. But whilst I’m in London, I’m going to keep on doing this. I’m going to use Canada as a chance to try and get back into normal habits, if this turns out to not be possible, thats when I’m going to start to get worried. Currently, its just a choice. I think, if anything, I just don’t want to gain the weight that I’ve lost already, I want to find a way to maintain my current weight without gaining a single pound. And this may sound absolutely ridiculous, but I feel that the only way I can do this is losing a few extra pounds first.


I’m not that dumb, am i?

102 isn’t my natural weight. I’m scared that if I start eating properly, my body will return to how its supposed to be. Normal.

Anyway, who doesn’t have disordered eating these days? Everyone tries to starve themselves at one point or another, some are just more ‘successful’ than others. No one I know eats a full breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday and everyone I know has an issue with their body. Its sad, really, because I know no one fat or ugly. Grass is always greener, I suppose.


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Back. In Hiding.

 Well, my younger sister left her footprints on my old site. The world is frustratingly small. Probably 100000 Xanga members and the girl who sleeps in the room next to me finds mine.

So I discovered she’s a ‘wannarexic’ a few hours ago. I also discovered that she hates me. This was news to me, I always thought we were close. Ignorance was truly bliss.

I’m not anorexic. I eat too much to be anorexic. And I do not want to be anorexic. I also don’t want girls leaving comments telling me to ‘stay strong’. Because thats bullshit. But I’d say I’m definately EDNOS. It feels like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle. I restrict for 2-3 days then go on an epic binge, sometimes I purposely starve myself to a low weight so I have the excuse to eat alot and gain a few pounds.

Only having written that, do I realise how fucked up it is.

So yeah, I tried out the whole anorexia thing when I was fifteen/sixteen. Didn’t work out, eventually this time last year I was 118 pounds. Around Janurary, I broke up with my boyfriend and began restricting again. I now fluctuate between 100 – 105 pounds. Following a huge binge last night, I weigh 104. I don’t even care about how I look that much, I just love feeling empty.

But I’m not pretty enough to have extra fat. My sister may seem to think that I am thinner than her, but she is definately a million times prettier.

So here is a before/after

June last year at 118. Yum.


Me in April at 107


Last week, around 103.


So I don’t like food; you get the gist.

Today I’m leaving my stomach empty, in a last ditch attempt to redeem last night’s binge.

Lies I’ve told today:

1. I went shopping to buy Georgia a present

     (I went shopping to buy myself some scales)

2. I’m going out for dinner with Dave and his family

    (I’m meeting Dave after his dinner and going for a drink)

You know, for me, thats not all that bad.




You fucking idiot Lucille. Generally ‘hiding’ means not leaving footprints.

The Simpsons movie was incredible.

I drank 1 gin and tonic.

I weigh 103 pounds. With jeans on.

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