Monthly Archives: January 2009

Thank you so much for all of your comments, I was so nervous about posting but I’m so glad I did!

So I’m back at uni now, food isn’t going great. I was restricting the entire week I got back, yesterday I binged and took laxatives, and today I binged on 450 calories worth of chocolate, ate a few pieces of broccoli with soy sauce yet I still couldn’t resist taking more laxatives. I ate less than 1000 calories which still isn’t enough but in my head it is.

I also had to break it to the guy I was seeing that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I was under the impression when we started seeing each other that it was casual, he obviously didn’t take it that way, now I feel like a horrible person because I always do this to people. I feel like I am very destructive and I don’t ever feel quite as guilty as I should.

I have thought up some steps to prevent my relapse, none of which I have actually followed through yet
1) Throw away scales – VERY IMPORTANT!
2) Stop planning binges
3) Cut down to 5 laxatives a week and then stop completely
4) Eat over 1000 calories every day
5) Stop counting calories

Easier said than done! Here are a few photos from last night, I thought black was supposed to be slimming!


Cleaning up the glass I drunkenly broke…haha

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Ok….by request I have recorded the song to the lyrics I wrote (see below). My piano is out of tune, the recording is crap and I know I have a terrible tone-deaf voice (i blame excessive diet coke and cigarette consumption) but who else is going to sing it?! Ah this is the first time I have ever shown ANYONE my music!

Enough excuses now, hope you enjoy

http://www.vimeo.com/2850393

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Its 3:30 pm. I just ate a big garden salad with homemade balsamic dressing for lunch, I feel so guilty. Like I can feel the olive oil poisoning me and the pounds rapidly appearing on my face and thighs. Someone please tell me I’m being stupid! The salad consisted of lettuce, celery, tomato and cucumber…but it was so big and I feel so guilty about the dressing. Olive oil isn’t that bad right? Urgh I wish this demon in my head would just go away.

Going back to Bristol on Saturday. I’m looking forward to it but I’m aware that its going to be difficult to stick to the eating plan I’ve followed while I’m with my family, the safety of my mum watching over me. Avoiding laxatives is hard and I can see myself reverting to my previous broccoli and rice cake diet. I just keep telling myself that my weight does not define me but I just can’t believe it, its so hard.

I wrote a new song on the piano called ‘Our Paper Boat’. Its my favourite song I’ve ever written, even if the lyrics aren’t great:

Sleep
Lay your head on me
I’m in the t.v screen
We are living a dream
Choke
Behind the smoke
My eyes, a pale green
The truth remains unseen

Is this it?
Are we here?
Is this our everything, my dear?

Float
We sail to slumber
Euphoria
In our paper boat
Drown
Pulled down by the storm
Trapped in the calm
Far and forlorn

Is this it?
Are we here?
Is this our everything, my dear?

(little tinkly piano solo)

Light
I’m in flight
I see my father
Don’t question why
Fall
Back on the grass
Close the curtains
The seasons pass

Is this it?
Are we here?
Is this our everything, my dear?
Is this it?
Are we near?
This is our everything, I fear
My dear
My dear

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I have gained around five pounds since I came home for Christmas, it is making me want to hide away and ashamed to take off my baggy pajama trousers

This laxative-free business is driving me insane

I’ve been exercising like crazy since I got the chance to weigh myself

My mum is really worried about me, and keeps threatening to take me out of university if I show more signs of relapsing, which is funny since I’ve been eating 10x more than I do when I am in Bristol

I know that as soon as I get back to Bristol I’m on my broccoli and rice-cake diet again

I can’t wait until my next binge/purge Tuesday, I have already planned it for my first week back at uni

How pathetic is that? I have planned a binge 10 days in advance! Sometimes, I just have to sit back and laugh.

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I’ve rejected my poor xanga for a while, I’ve been in London all week and was internet-less. I had an amazing time, caught up with old friends who I barely saw last year because I was a nervous insecure wreck, they all said that I seem back to my old confident self, which was great to hear even if not strictly true, and I forgot how much I missed all of them.

I hope everyone had a good NYE, mine was incredible! I went to some pretentious art gallery rave in Shoreditch and found myself still awake at 1pm the next day gurning my face off on copious amounts of MDMA which is always fun. Unfortunately I lost my digital camera (which may I add I only got for Christmas the week before) so I only have one photo salvaged from my week in London, and I took fucking HUNDREDS which makes it even more annoying!

I really shouldn’t laugh, I never knew my face could go so red!

I must confess I didn’t do terribly well food-wise in London, I mainly stayed under 600 all week (but probably many more calories worth of alchohol anyway) and ended it in a huge pizza binge on Sunday. I haven’t taken laxatives for exactly 7 days now, but that is more to do with the fact that I can’t afford them, and I feel too guilty using my mum’s money to aid my habit. I know fully well that as soon as I return to university I will be using them again, but I’m really going to try. I ate ‘normally’ today and I am finding it really difficult to deal with the guilt, with no way to ease the feeling and seek comfort in the subsequent pain and ’emptiness’ of the laxatives.

I feel kind of unhappy. I have no reason to be. I just constantly can’t help but think about how everything ends, nothing is forever. I hate that. I always need something new to look forward to, expect my depression to go forever as soon as I make a change in my life, but it never seems to go away. It really scares me. I’m always anxious and guilty and half the time I don’t even know why. Sometimes I just want to so badly escape my own mind. I don’t know how. I wish I did.

*Edit

This laxative thing is driving me fucking CRAZY. I have been constipated for 6 days now and I’m beginning to look fucking pregnant. Somebody please tell me this part will end soon! I can’t bear it.

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