Monthly Archives: January 2008

I need someone to take me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. That I won’t always hate myself, I won’t be defined by the number on the scales, I’ll eat a muffin without fucking analysing it for two days. That I’m not a fat ugly beast because I’ve gained weight, that there’s more to me than my body, that things are going to look up. I need to know that I’ll go to university, stop thinking so god damn much, be able to go out without having a panic attack, be able to go shopping without wanting to cry when I see other girls, be able to get changed in front of the mirror, instead of in the dark. I need to hear that I won’t revert to starving everytime life doesn’t go perfectly, I won’t cry over a piece of toast, I’ll stop planning every second of my mundane day, I’ll be able to walk over bridges without wandering if it would hurt if I fell over the edge. I need to know that I haven’t lost my mind. I want someone to tell me that right now this isn’t me, I am not this person, that things will change. And I need them to make me believe it.

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I like this photo. It was taken in Canada, last Summer. I look happy, but believe me, I wasn’t. I was cold (hence the giant black hoodie) and freaking out about being confronted with a meal in front of everyone. In fact, I made an entry on here after that dinner, almost bragging about ordering a noodle salad but getting away with eating a few bites of lettuce. WELL DONE LUCILLE, look where it got you!

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I went out in London last night, I got really drunk for the first time in months which was a nice release, even if I felt quite insecure and awkward. It’ll get easier, I hope. I have one confession, I restricted yesterday. I ate half a bowl of rice and half an apple, about 250 calories, but I certainly paid for it today with one bitch of a hangover and loaded up on carbs to refrain from vomiting. Pleasant.

I got upset about eating after 10pm tonight. I was hungry and convinced myself that I’d do it like I used to, just thoughtlessly have a snack and then brush it off. But its not that easy, if it was, then I wouldn’t be considered ill, right? I wish I could enjoy one meal without thinking ‘oh shit, I have to weigh myself!’ as soon as I’m finished. A good meal to me is one that does not affect the number. I am, quite literally, a slave to my scales.

They should be illegal, at least to help the crazy people of the world, like myself. I am well aware that a 4lb gain is not REAL WEIGHT, I hear ‘blah blah blah water weight’ all the time, but it doesn’t matter to me.

Increasing number = loss of control.

I wonder how much more interesting I’d be if I hadn’t become so consumed by food and not eating it.

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   I feel good today. Moving to London next week, I have an interview for a live-out nannying job in a couple of days, I’ve sorted out my treatment plan in London, which will be one session with a therapist and dietician a week, and I had a nice meal tonight which I’m not feeling to guilty about. For the first time in my life, things are changing and I’m embracing it, I don’t to feel like a little girl anymore. I’m 18. Its time to grow up.

I don’t have much to say this evening, I’ll just post photos instead

Some childhood photos

Me in my favourite teacup leggings!

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I can just tell that I was a happy kid. This comforts me.

I took this a week before being admitted into hospital. Its the forest in our land, I used to run through this on an empty stomach in the morning, it wasn’t pleasant! Thats my mum and sister walking through it

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Our hayfield. Always the fun part of my run, even if I ALWAYS fell over!

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This is my old house and bedroom in London, god I miss it, even if it holds some very bad memories

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Yes I am definitely not a clean-freak!

This is the birthday card my little sister made for me on my 17th, I love it so much it still hangs on my wall, even though there are some INCREDIBLY cringe-worthy photos of me on there!

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Me and all my oldest friends in 2005. Yes I have pillarbox red hair. No, I don’t know why.

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Quite clearly I used to have a slight problem with hyperactivity, haha

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Haha SUPERMAN

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An amazing day

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These all hold great memories.

And guess what? In every single one of these photos I weigh more than my dreaded target weight: 112.

That says it all, really.

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