We got upgraded to first class on the way back! That was probably the highlight of my holiday, thats not a good sign, is it? Anyway I felt like I was going to pass out whilst we were at the airport, and I was kind of scared about flying whilst feeling so weak and fragile, so I of course ate a shitload. I got home and weighed myself six hours later on my accurate scale:

100 lbs.

100 is usually my lowest weight that I never reach unless I restrict for days and days, so if I’m at it after eating huge amounts, does that mean I actually lost weight? Canada was meant to be a last ditch attempt at recovery on my own

 

I failed and it feels so good.

This photo makes me so proud, I seriously sacrificed my dignity for that

canada 124

I’ve decided I’m going to study journalism at university, why aim for ‘exciting’ careers when I know what I’m good at? I can get an A without work in English; and I don’t like failing, I don’t want to set myself up for more disappointments in the future. And plus, I love writing; I can’t believe I went through all these wacky, ridiculous job ideas and never thought of it before.

*Edit*

NINETY-NINE POUNDS. For real this time, I didn’t trust my grandma’s dodgy scale in Canada. Double digits, an all time low.

I’m now into my 24th hour of my fast, I’ve had two hours sleep in the past 48 hours as well, so I’m even impressing myself.

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  1. wow well done 100 is great…..glad r holiday was good…..dnt mess things up now..u may bat triple digits!!! yey my mum fined me anbother $150….which is so much for me….man and lyk of she thinks ive got a packet shell rip them up in front of me….man shes crazy!!xxx

  2. I most be completly honest and tell you how worried this post made me. Your poor body must be in agony of all that fasting with no sleep. Your failed attempt of recovery on your own is nothing to be sad off. Almost no one can go through it alone. WIll you try to seek help now, maybe through school?
    Ihop you do. Don’t waist anymore time in this.

  3. Wow, you are tiny.  Remember, recovery is not a one-moment thing, it’s not “I failed” and that’s it, it’s “I failed today, but I might do better tomorrow”… I know that sounds cheesy, but I think it’s true.  Of course, I don’t generally listen to my own words.  😛   
    Who says journalism can’t be exciting?  It’s just a big plus that you’re great at writing.  🙂   As far as sleep goes – that’s terrible!  You need some rest, your body needs some rest!  Is there anything you can do to help yourself sleep more?  You know, lack of sleep disturbs metabolism (not that you need to lose anymore, you leaf!), among other things…
    Try to take care.

  4. wow I am seriously jealous of your skinny legs.
    the roomate thing is going okay…one of them keeps asking me why I never eat…I just keep insisting I eat when they’re at school…
    Recovery is hard on your own, but at least you are trying. The process may be slow but you’ll get there. That’s more than I can say about myself..
    take care.

  5. Hi. Thank you for your comment about my pics. That was very kind. ♥ I believe you to be gorgeous, hands down, and I hope you see it. Might I ask when your ED started? From your post I’ve assumed you haven’t been in treatment at all, right? Well, don’t be ashamed if you need the help to recover b/c nearly everyone does. Because of the chronic nature of mine and since I was raised to starve myself, I’ll likely be in treatment the rest of my life in one form or another, but that’s much better than being miserable or shortening my life span any more than what’s already been done. I’ve gone into residential 3x and inpatient I have no idea how many times, but EACH time truly gave me something favorable. And I didn’t even gain weight every time. Much of recovery has to do with the way we view ourselves and our sense of responsibility in our families, with our friends, in our careers, and in the world at large. So many times it is death of people I know or of complete strangers that puts me right into ED mode. And considering there’s not a damn thing I (anyone) can do to stop death, I’ve got to learn some other way of coping. My present manner is killing me. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that every person has to uncover all their triggers, and by no means are those always about food and thinness. You know that of course. But if we’re not brave or open enough to dig deep and explore the embers that ignite our EDs, we’ll never be free. I’m so proud of you for narrowing down your career path! That sounds so exciting and not at all dull, as you suggested. Really, I wish that was the route I had taken, but at the time nursing was the path for me. I’m really glad I did it (I got my Masters), but like you I love to write. You can’t tell it here, can you?! hahaAnd it doesn’t appear that I’m good at it on here either, but when it comes to ‘serious’ writing, I promise I’m better with grammar. ::wink::I’ll help you with your studies, and with your recovery, if you would like? I would be honored to assist my new friend in any way I may. PLEASE take care of yourself and don’t try to lose anymore weight. You truly don’t need to lose any and could stand to gain. Hope you’re doing well and looking forward to hearing from you….xoxo,lisa

  6. I may use part of my comment in my post today, but I won’t mention to whom I left the comment, ok?bye, love

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