I woke up feeling fat and disgusting.

So I decided to start a liquid fast. Over 24 hours into it, I’m just going to keep going until, well, I don’t want to anymore.

I made a bargain with my mum, I’ll be sweet to her friends if she doesn’t make me eat the dinner with them. Thats how much she cares about other people’s perceptions – it was a deal.

Me and my partner in crime, Jason. This photo makes me smile, but it makes me sad. I tried to kill myself a week after it was taken.

Not a natural poet, but I try-

You broke your promise, you told a lie
Said when things get sour you’d be at my side
But I don’t need you now; I have a new ally
Its more of a feeling, it gets me high.
It tears up my flesh and eats me inside
Screams through my head, its my turn to lie.

It gives me strength when I need to be stronger
Always there, it’s name is hunger
When my heart feels empty, it fills me up well
With oxygen, water and secrets I can’t tell.
And as I’m shrinking, it gets bigger and louder
I’m still crying, but I can’t and won’t taste the sour
It feeds on my sadness, it lives for my bones
I can’t stop it buzzing; it hums and it drones.

And I’ll never be able to stray the way I let you
Because it clings on so tight that my hands turn blue
And my womanhood fades, finally childlike again
Until I’m fully inverted
And I can’t feel the pain.

*Edit*

I just found out my A Level Results. I got an A in English. As for Music and French – well lets just say I am as fucking stupid as I think I am.

I don’t think I’m ever going to eat again. I’d rather just shrink and starve until I waste away and don’t have to deal with reality. I’ll never be quite ready for it.

Why can’t I just be fucking normal and deal with it?

I constantly feel like I’m walking into a wall, going nowhere. I do nothing. I’m the most selfish bitch you’ll ever meet. I’m not clever, I’m not interesting, I’m a waste of fucking space.

I need to know how much I weigh. This is killing me. On Friday it was 97 or 98 lbs. The only thing that could make me feel better right now is to see evidence of weightloss.

Yes.

I’m that desperate. I’m that superficial. I’m that pathetic.

I’m this sick.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “

  1. yeah i’m like that ahastay strong<3
    -Ann

  2. your not stupid..really your not..you seam pretty clever from were my fat ass is sitting.
    good luck wiht the liquid fast! i hope it goes well [=

  3. canada! thats pretty freakin cool!  hmm its abit shit that your mum pretty much knows now, it must be so hard for you..trying to be  what they see as ‘normal’ around them.
    hmm..thats for the muiltivitamins advice..i might get some..i would give anything a go to get my mum off my case!i hope you have a good day [=

  4. I completely agree. It’s always “let’s talk over coffee!” or lunch, or dinner, or snack, or dessert, or anything with some caloric value. If you meet with multiple people, say, or at odd hours of the day, you could wind up eating six meals and three desserts and then have no time for exercise. It’s a recipe for obesity and it terrifies me.
    Although I’m a sociable person, I’ve come to hate social engagements… even if it’s an event for a close friend, I’ll debate on whether or not to go depending on how much I’ll be obliged to eat. It’s sad.

  5. Don’t even get me started on those girls. It’s sickening and it really decreases the seriousness with which people regard EDs. They turn it into the new South Beach diet and shout to the world that they’re not eating simply for the attention and admiration they’d get from their tweenage friends. They don’t know how much of a torture life and basic functions can become…
    So that’s my rant, in condensed form…

  6. thanks! their actually contacts

  7. I hope your fast went well! And from poet to poet, yours is not bad at all. (another thing in common? haha) I am in the same boat as you when you say you feel like you’re walking into a wall and going nowhere. I’m feeling the same these days. I haven’t bought myself my own scale yet and its killinggggg me. Don’t feel pathetic, because you’re not at ALL. You are such a strong girl…About the whole antidepressants thing, I’ve been on them for almost a year, and the side affects can either make you gain or lose weight. For me, I’m losing weight because when I was severly depressed I was a very BIG emotional eater and the pill has curbed my appetite somewhat. The pill however, will only make you gain weight if you give into the food cravings you get when you’re on it. Keep being that strong girl that you are! I’m here if you need anything.
    -Lola

  8. Anonymous

    feel better! u seem so sad. &nice poem. keep writing.ttyl.

  9. You might not believe me, but I think you look gorgeous in that photo.  I love it, but it makes me sad knowing your smile was hiding such pain.
    p.s.  You seem pretty smart and interesting to me 🙂

  10. that was a beautiful poem. truly. it was very very …. just very well written.

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