I woke up feeling fat and disgusting.
So I decided to start a liquid fast. Over 24 hours into it, I’m just going to keep going until, well, I don’t want to anymore.
I made a bargain with my mum, I’ll be sweet to her friends if she doesn’t make me eat the dinner with them. Thats how much she cares about other people’s perceptions – it was a deal.
Me and my partner in crime, Jason. This photo makes me smile, but it makes me sad. I tried to kill myself a week after it was taken.
Not a natural poet, but I try-
You broke your promise, you told a lie
Said when things get sour you’d be at my side
But I don’t need you now; I have a new ally
Its more of a feeling, it gets me high.
It tears up my flesh and eats me inside
Screams through my head, its my turn to lie.
It gives me strength when I need to be stronger
Always there, it’s name is hunger
When my heart feels empty, it fills me up well
With oxygen, water and secrets I can’t tell.
And as I’m shrinking, it gets bigger and louder
I’m still crying, but I can’t and won’t taste the sour
It feeds on my sadness, it lives for my bones
I can’t stop it buzzing; it hums and it drones.
And I’ll never be able to stray the way I let you
Because it clings on so tight that my hands turn blue
And my womanhood fades, finally childlike again
Until I’m fully inverted
And I can’t feel the pain.
I just found out my A Level Results. I got an A in English. As for Music and French – well lets just say I am as fucking stupid as I think I am.
I don’t think I’m ever going to eat again. I’d rather just shrink and starve until I waste away and don’t have to deal with reality. I’ll never be quite ready for it.
Why can’t I just be fucking normal and deal with it?
I constantly feel like I’m walking into a wall, going nowhere. I do nothing. I’m the most selfish bitch you’ll ever meet. I’m not clever, I’m not interesting, I’m a waste of fucking space.
I need to know how much I weigh. This is killing me. On Friday it was 97 or 98 lbs. The only thing that could make me feel better right now is to see evidence of weightloss.
I’m that desperate. I’m that superficial. I’m that pathetic.
I’m this sick.