I’ve mistakenly fasted for about 38 hours now, not on purpose, just because I’m not that hungry. I’m going to eat a bit tonight, because through several trial and errors I’ve finally learnt that drinking on an empty stomach leads to vomiting. I have to go to my old friend Georgia’s house for her birthday, unfortunately I hate all her new friends because they’re pretentious cunts, and I have a feeling they don’t like me either. I’ll just have to grin, bear it and swallow down the vodka.
I think I’ve lost the water weight from Friday night’s binge and I’m back down to 102 pounds. I’ve missed my scales, I’ve felt a lot less anxious since buying new ones.
I spoke to Jamie last night, which just made me miss him more. I also think I’m suffering from chronic boredom. I keep just waiting for Canada to happen, but I have a feeling its just going to get worse, I can’t even get high there and the smoking age is 19.
I’ve decided that I don’t want to have disordered eating, I hate lying and I hate feeling weak. But whilst I’m in London, I’m going to keep on doing this. I’m going to use Canada as a chance to try and get back into normal habits, if this turns out to not be possible, thats when I’m going to start to get worried. Currently, its just a choice. I think, if anything, I just don’t want to gain the weight that I’ve lost already, I want to find a way to maintain my current weight without gaining a single pound. And this may sound absolutely ridiculous, but I feel that the only way I can do this is losing a few extra pounds first.
I’m not that dumb, am i?
102 isn’t my natural weight. I’m scared that if I start eating properly, my body will return to how its supposed to be. Normal.
Anyway, who doesn’t have disordered eating these days? Everyone tries to starve themselves at one point or another, some are just more ‘successful’ than others. No one I know eats a full breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday and everyone I know has an issue with their body. Its sad, really, because I know no one fat or ugly. Grass is always greener, I suppose.